5 Tips for Introverts Trying Out Extroversion
How to "get out there" and "talk to people" when you really just want to "stay in bed" and "stay in bed some more"
ME, BUT BETTER, my book about personality change, is out now. If you haven’t yet, please pick up your copy today. And if you’ve read the book, it would mean the world to me if you could leave an Amazon review. Thank you!
I was delighted to be on 1A again recently, this time to talk about the loneliness epidemic.
Why am I considered an expert on loneliness, you ask?
Loneliness was actually one of the major motivators for the personality-change project behind my book. Even as the pandemic was easing up, I noticed that I had fewer friends than I did before it started, and that many of those friendships weren’t very close or fulfilling. I tended to default to spending time alone, even when it would probably have behooved me to socialize or at least get out of the house. Most days, I didn’t really interact with anyone other than my husband, and “really” is doing a lot of work there. This was before Twitter became a cesspit (and before it became X), and a lot of my interaction at the time was through Twitter. (Which can be great! But not a replacement for meatspace.)
One reason why I isolated and holed up in my house like this was that I strongly identified as an introvert. And I thought being an introvert gave me a blank check to basically never talk to anyone.
A common form of pushback I get whenever people hear about my book, or about personality change in general, is that being an introvert is great and there’s no reason for introverts to try to be more extroverted. But, Olga, I read that Susan Cain book and I identify as an introvert and I don’t want to change, so please unplug your microphone and get off this podcast I’m listening to.
So what I want to address today is how to “get out there” and “talk to people” and “be a human” even if you’re an introvert (and even if you want to remain an introvert). Because as one trillion studies have now shown, we all need some social interaction, even the introverts among us. We all need to feel liked, or at least seen, and to feel like we’re not completely alone. We need to feel like we’re part of humanity. When we don’t, introversion crosses into loneliness, and happiness really craters. You may not want to “become an extrovert,” but you probably need a least some extroversion in your life.
So, here is how I would recommend getting that, for introverts:
Sign up for an activity that occurs regularly, meaning you don’t have to plan it or schedule it yourself. This can be any kind of activity—it doesn’t have to involve a lot of talking. It can be a “let’s all sit quietly and read” club. It can be yoga class. Studies show extroverts don’t just talk more to people; they do more activities, period. But as in introvert, you’re not as likely to reach out and get the ball rolling on an activity, so join something that’s going to happen with or without you. (Then, you know, actually go.)
Listen more than you talk. Yes, this still counts as extroversion! When I asked Sonja Lyubomirsky, the High Priestess of Happiness, how introverts can get the happiness boost of extroversion, she recommended focusing less on being outgoing and more on just being around others, even if you’re still pretty quiet when you’re doing so. This means you can just go to the book club and listen to everyone else’s thoughts without talking a lot yourself. You’ll still get the benefits of extroversion, just from being around other people.
Find an activity that isn’t talking-oriented. For a long time, I struggled with socializing because most of the socializing that took place in my (childless, thirtysomething) social milieu involved getting drinks with one other person and catching up. I can do this occasionally, but it’s often hard for me to talk to just one other person at length without a side activity to focus on. I especially find this challenging when there’s not some central issue or problem that we’re complaining about and working through, which meant that either these catch-ups were stilted and awkward (because I was trying not to complain) or they were just extremely unproductively negative (because I was giving into complaining).
I’ve noticed that lots of other neurodivergent/neurospicy people have this same problem, and I think a lot of people chalk this issue up to “introversion” when it’s really not.
My solution has been to do activities that don’t involve long stretches of uninterrupted talking, or that at least have a side quest to focus on during conversational lulls. Ideas include: going on a hike; watching a movie you’ve all seen a lot before; painting something or doing a craft; and my current favorite, having a play date where we all chase our kids around and scream about our pelvic floor issues while we pry mulch out of toddlers’ mouths. This last one has the additional benefit of hopefully making my kid better-socialized so that he’s not a weird antisocial freak like his mom.
Use a commitment device to make sure you go. I guarantee that, at least the first few times, you will not feel like going to your activity. I know this because I signed up for improv, the most extroverted activity imaginable, and I didn’t feel like going for the first … eight months? What forced me to actually go was that I had a commitment device: Our teacher said we were only allowed to miss two classes of the improv series. I’m a huge rule follower, so after I missed two classes because of work, I knew I had to haul ass to the studio whether I felt like it or not. (My improv teacher had a very funny story about a former student whose wife threatened to divorce him unless he completed an improv class, and after he missed three classes he had to beg for a makeup assignment so his wife wouldn’t leave him. Also a commitment device!) A less intense version of this would be a class that you pre-pay for, or a situation where you sign up to bring a dish or supplies something. However you want to structure it, just make sure that if you don’t go, there will be ~consequences~.
When you’re done socializing, give in to your introversion. The personality psychologist Brian Little believes that introverts can behave like extroverts for short spurts of time as long as afterward they retreat to what he calls a “restorative niche,” or a state of introversion that feels comfortable to them. In other words, after you’ve gone out and done your book club and really challenged yourself, it’s okay to spend an afternoon watching your shows or being by yourself. It’s not failure if you need a couple hours of super-cozy solitude and cat-petting to come down from extroversion.
The point of personality change, after all, is not to flip a switch and become someone you don’t recognize. It’s to push yourself to try new things so that you can experience all the upsides of different traits. It’s okay if, in the end, you still consider yourself an introvert. You’re in good company: I do, too.
Love this -- this workout community called November Project I've been going to for a decade checks most of these boxes -- https://november-project.com/washington-dc/ -- thanks for sharing, Olga!
Introverted and proud.
Without people who were willing to do the socially unthinkable—sit on their own and work things out in their minds—we’d all still be sitting in caves with unpainted walls, no songs to sing or stories to tell as we waited for the hunters to come home in their square wheeled cart with half as many deer as they could’ve brought had only someone thought to poison the darts.
Here’s to all the introverts who’ve spent time making and thinking about things that made the world a better place rather than giving in to extroverts’ demands for small talk.