A Self-Care Guide for Pregnancy

Take walks, eat yogurt, and take more walks!

Photo by Alicia Petresc on Unsplash

I haven't been writing here as often because I've been scrambling to finish my book and also ... I'm pregnant! I thought pregnancy wouldn't interfere with my productivity very much because I'm a dumb, dumb fool.

Some women say pregnancy is like “running a marathon for 40 weeks.” I always thought that meant “it requires a lot of physical endurance,” but it turns out it also means “you’d have to be slightly unhinged to do this.” I am writing this between chronic-fatigue naps and re-applications of KT tape to my belly. (Maybe that’s why it’s like a marathon?)

To bring this back to the realm of personality, one thing I have noticed is that pregnancy has really spiked my level of neuroticism—the personality trait that’s linked to depression and anxiety. Specifically, I keep worrying that I am harming the baby by doing something I thought was fine, like taking a Tylenol or doing a downward dog. I got a bunch of blood tests done at the doctor today and half of them are abnormal, and I will tell you that there is no more neuroticism-inducing time than the hours between when you learn that a test was abnormal and when the doctor gets around to calling you to explain WTF it means. I never thought the words “patient portal” would strike fear into my heart.

Sometimes I think to myself that I can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore, so I don’t have to worry so much anymore, but then I remember that the other thing I’m worried about is waking up every night, every hour, for months. It’s a time of change, and change worries me, as it does many neurotic people.

The worst part about it is that there’s not much you can do for your worries when you’re pregnant. Drinking is off-limits. Xanax is off-limits. Even my previous wintertime stress outlets—hot yoga, ice skating, fancy sushi meals—are off limits.

So I’ve realized—only just now, and I’ve been pregnant for six months—that I’m just going to be worried. I’m going to be worried every day until the kid is born. I’m going to be worried when I’m looking at the patient portal and also when I’m not looking at the patient portal. And then I will be EXTREMELY worried while he’s being born. And then I’ll be worried when I have to keep him alive somehow using milk (??) that’s made in my body (??) But I’ll also be worried when he’s 1, and 2, and 3, and 16, and forever. He’ll change, and my worries will too, but I’ll never be done thinking about him. Being less neurotic is going to mean living with the worry, shrinking it down somehow while knowing that it’s always on, like a pilot light.

Maybe pregnancy is like a 40-week marathon because you never see the finish line until the race is almost done. There’s always another blood test, another scan, another study that came out saying something scary about something you’re eating right now. It won’t be over until it’s over, and even then it still won’t be over. Not really. Accepting that takes 40 weeks, give or take.

But! Because I’m not an enlightened being quite yet, below is a PARODY of all the things you’re allowed to do for self-care during pregnancy, inspired by some of the “helpful” sites I’ve visited lately. I’ll be back with more normal content in the new year.

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Hey mama! In just 40 of the longest weeks of your life, it’ll be time to meet your precious little one. In the meantime, we’ve compiled a list of some pregnancy no-gos. Avoiding these things will help your baby get the best start in life — or at least we think so! Science hasn’t actually studied most of these in pregnant women, so some of these are just more of a vibe!

Pregnancy is a time of many changes to your body, nearly all of them bad. However, rest assured you can still relax and have fun by going on walks, eating yogurt, and drinking plain water. You got this mama!

Caffeine: Sure, you’ll be collapsing with exhaustion as your body creates new bones from scratch. But anything more than a cup of coffee a day isn’t good for baby, so switch to decaf! Also, next time you’re hungry, try looking at a picture of food.

Sushi: nope

Other kinds of fish: If it’s a king mackerel caught by the light of the full moon, then absolutely not, but if it’s salmon then yes, definitely, at least twice a week, or your baby won’t be smart. Tuna is prohibited but sardines are essential, this will be impossible to remember when you’re starving.

Hot yoga: If you don’t exercise your doctor will berate you for it at every visit, but if you do this specific type of exercise, they’ll berate you even more! Very strange, we know!

Cheese: We all love a good, creamy Brie or a sharp, tangy camembert. But for reasons no one can quite articulate because there’s also listeria in salad, soft cheeses are off-limits too! Have a Kraft single bitch.

Alcohol: ahahaha no

Kombucha: We don’t totally understand what this is, so also no

Tylenol: Sure but do yourself a favor and don’t google “Tylenol autism.” Wait why are you doing it.

Cold medicine: Only the kind that doesn’t work

All the mental drugs that kept you stable and productive before this: Possibly, but we’ll get all weird about it when you ask

Melatonin: No. Have you tried falling asleep by closing your eyes in the dark and relaxing?

Deli meat: No mama. Next time you’re craving a quick sandwich, prepare yourself a full hot meal whose smells make you nauseous!

Bagels and lox: The bagels are fine but you’ll be too constipated to eat them ❤️