How different cultures define "a good friend"
Friendship can be hard in part because it serves different roles in different societies
A big part of my personality-change project has been making new friends. I wrote a little about my befriending attempts for the magazine article the book is based on, but given the book’s longer timeline, in the past year I’ve had even more time to invest in hiking buddies, Bumble BFF dates, and pals of all kinds.
Friend-making lies the intersection of the traits of extroversion and agreeableness. When it comes to going out and talking to strangers, it helps to be extroverted, but when it comes to forming long-lasting bonds, it’s good to be agreeable—or kind and somewhat lovey-dovey.
My search for agreeableness, and friendship, has occasionally prompted philosophical questions, like, what even makes a good friend? What do people want from their friends, and how can I be a good friend to someone? Sometimes during especially bad Bumble BFF dates, I muse about this kind of thing to myself—which, admittedly, does not tend to make the date go any better.
It turns out the answer to these questions varies widely between cultures. In fact, one reason why I might have struggled in friendships in the past is that I’m not American, and Slavic and Western cultures have radically different approaches to friendship. (All countries do, of course, but for the purposes of this post I’ll focus just on a few.)
Take, for instance, the lengths you’re expected to go to in order to help a friend. As Lydia Denworth explains in her fascinating book, Friendship, one way scientists have attempted to gage this is by posing the following scenario to people from different countries:
You are a passenger in a car driven by a close friend, and he hits a pedestrian. You know that your friend was going at least 35 mph in a zone marked 20. There are no witnesses. Your friend’s lawyer says that if you testify under oath that your friend’s speed was only 20 mph, then you would save your friend from any serious consequences. What would you do?
Fewer than 10 percent of Americans would lie to protect the friend, compared to 30 percent of French and Japanese people, and 70 percent of Venezuelans.
One thing that makes people more likely to lie to protect their friends, researchers found, is the level of uncertainty in their country. When people can rely on the rule of law, the absence of corruption, and the stability of the government, they don’t tend to lie to protect their friends. When they can’t rely on those things, the foundations of their day-to-day existence are shakier, so small favors and white lies from your friends become more important.
Soviet Russian culture is actually a perfect example of this. Private commerce was illegal in the USSR, so most quality goods and services had to be procured on the black market: Think drug deals, but for birthday cakes and jeans. Growing up, my dad told countless stories of how he obtained coats and steaks in the Soviet Union by establishing vast networks of friends and doing each other not-really-legal favors. The favor-owing ledger eventually became so elaborate that he had to write it down in a little notebook. (He called it his “new testament.”)
Because America has a high level of stability, we rely less on our friends than people did in the USSR or in other unstable countries. It would be weird to ask your friend to break the law for you—your therapist would probably say a person who suggests this is a bad friend. We count on institutions, but we don’t really count on each other. “Western Apaches, when they first met white people, found the foreigners’ friendships to be ‘like air,’” Denworth writes, “insubstantial because they could form and dissolve relatively quickly.” On the plus side, stability frees you from informal support networks, but on the downside, stability frees you from informal support networks.
This idea of tight friendships in unstable places was backed up by another study that compared the way Canadians and Russians view friendships. Russians were more likely to say that friends are people who interact with each other frequently, fully trust one another, and can say anything to one another without worrying about how the other person will take it. Meanwhile, Canadians saw friendship in part as a “reflection of a person’s social skills.” “The findings suggest that the Russian concept of friendship is more intense and involved than the Canadian one, with Russians endorsing notions of trust and readiness to help more strongly in their conceptions of friendship,” writes Beth Ellwood of Psypost. (It’s only a matter of time before a study of Russians mentions the words “intense” and “involved.”) Here, again, we have a relatively stable country, Canada, where friendships are mostly about socializing, and a relatively unstable country, Russia, where a friend is someone you can trust when the going gets tough—because it always gets tough.
I suspect one reason friendship hasn’t always come easily for me is that I grew up in a different culture (Russian and Texan) than the one I’ve mostly lived in as an adult (East-Coast big city). I sometimes like to hang out with both Russian immigrants and people from my hometown in Texas because, on some level, they understand my frame of mind. Because friendship is so dependent on culture, it can be nice to have friends who understand yours.
Further reading: Friendship by Lydia Denworth
[As a reminder, please email me your personality questions. I’d love to answer them in the book or in a future newsletter! olga.khazan@gmail.com]
I’m glad I found this article and newsletter thanks to Anne Helen Peterson’s recommendation in “A Largesse of Links & Recs.”
I wasn’t aware “fewer than 10 percent of Americans would lie to protect the friend, compared to 30 percent of French and Japanese people, and 70 percent of Venezuelans.” However, it doesn’t surprise me, since American culture creates higher relational mobility.
One of the highest relationally mobile contexts is the life of an American college student. They are often living away from home with abundant opportunities to form new relationships. In this context, people might feel they can find new relationships and not feel overly bound by their old relationships.
In cultures with low relationship mobility, relationships are perceived to exist naturally without negotiation, and the commitments and obligations will continue to guide them. This can mean stronger loyalty, but also full-blown enemy ships with those from your in-group.
Only 26% of American reported that they had enemies (Adams, 2005). In contrast, 71% of Ghanians claimed that they were the target of enemies. Americans who felt they had enemies were more likely than the Ghanians to view those enemies as coming from outside their group. Ghanians were more likely to view their enemies as coming from within their groups.
Several studies also point to Americans have more friends compared to people in different cultures. However, that’s because the definition is different. For example, the majority of Ghanians emphasised a friend as someone who provides practical support, only a minority of Americans emphasised this. In many collectivistic cultures, friendships are not just about sharing good times or deriving positive benefits; they also entail substantial costs when obligations need to be fulfilled.
As you point out, this might be due to how stable a country is; however, levels of collectivism and relational mobility are important considerations.
Research aside, as a third-culture kid who has lived in Chile, Belgium, Canada, Vietnam, and Spain, I understand a lot of these stats and theories on a personal level as well.
In Canada, I have found it very easy to lose friends the second things aren’t “fun and social” anymore. My closest friends are Canadians I grew up with, and I know some of them would lie for me or engage in costly behaviour to protect me. However, many “friends” are only truly there for me when I’m there for them with a beer in my hand.
In Spain, like Canada, people are very open and inviting, but in Spain, I’ve noticed how much quicker they drop business or task-related activities if a friend is in need. It's also easier to show your emotions (even if they're overreactions) without long-term consequences. People are willing to talk things out. Honesty and willingness to discuss seem more important that making sure everything always goes smoothly.
And from what I’ve seen from my parents’ experience, the Dutch are slow to let you in, but once you’re in, you have a loyal friend for life. You can also get away with more blunt discussions that don’t end the friendship.
Anyway, those are some quick thoughts. This article inspired a lot of ideas I want to explore. I’ll write about this more in the future. I’m looking forward to reading more here and exploring these ideas about friendship with the community.